Blind Faith

Blind Faith

                When Ben came home from work and saw Sarah on her laptop he cringed.  Lately she’d been Googling about her pregnancy and coming up with all kinds of horrible possibilities that freaked her out, and then she followed him around all evening worrying about it.  There had been a couple of times she’d freaked him out, too, until he looked at the websites and realized they were selling something. 

                The real problem, he thought, was that she had too much time on her hands.  Not that he wanted her to get a job.  He’d always planned to work to support them so she could be a stay-at-home mom and raise their kids right.  But she needed something to keep her busy in the last couple of months of her pregnancy.  Something besides the Internet. 

                “Hi, Hon,” she said, setting the laptop on the coffee table and struggling to get to her feet.  “How was work?”

                Ben worked at his older brother’s carpet store.  It wasn’t a particularly inspiring job, but he liked it all right.  He especially liked driving the forklift, moving the massive rolls of carpet around in the warehouse. 

                “It was work,” he said, shrugging his coat off and tossing it over the arm of the recliner, and then getting down on his knees to give her belly a hug.  “How’s my boy doing today?”

“He slept all morning while I vacuumed and dusted the house, and then when I sat down and put my feet up he kicked my ribs until I thought he was going to break them off,” she said, massaging her ribs as she spoke.

“He’s just getting crowded in there,” Ben said.  He stood up and gave her a peck on the cheek.  “What’s for dinner?”

                “There’s a chicken in the crockpot.”  She leaned up to give him a real kiss, stretching to reach him from across her belly.  “It’ll be ready in thirty minutes.”

They’d been married for almost a year, but Sarah hadn’t really learned how to cook yet.  She enthusiastically fixed breakfast and dinner for him every day, but her foods always tasted wrong.  Too little of something, too much of something else, or maybe something missing entirely.  He wished she would spend her time watching cooking shows or reading about cooking on the Internet instead of reading about everything that could go wrong with her pregnancy. 

                “What are you looking at?” he asked, nodding toward the computer.  He hoped she was just looking at Facebook.

                “I was reading about circumcision,” she said enthusiastically.  “I don’t think we want to have Jake circumcised.”

                He stifled a groan.  It was worse than he thought.  But if he didn’t handle it right, she’d be in tears in five minutes.  “Why do you say that?”

                “Everything I’ve read says it’s not a necessary medical practice.  People in the last couple of centuries only started doing it to try to keep boys from masturbating.  Isn’t that stupid?”  She grinned.  “I don’t think it worked.  Plus, it’s just terrible, putting a newborn through that with only a local anesthetic.”

                He ignored her little joke about masturbation. “But they circumcise for health reasons.  Anyway, he won’t remember it.”

                “How do you know?” she asked, looking up into his face and searching his eyes as if she thought she could find the answer written on them. 

                He didn’t exactly have the answer, though.  Just a vague idea that someone somewhere told him something about it.  He tried to remember.  “It prevents infections or cancer, I think.  I know the Bible says to do it.”

                “It was just the Hebrews that were commanded.  And the risk of infections or cancer is practically the same whether you do it or not.”

                “I don’t know,” he said, feeling tired all of a sudden.  Could that be true?  He didn’t think it could be true.  The website was probably promoting some liberal alternative to circumcision.  Anyway, he was circumcised, and he was fine.  “I’ll look it up later.”

                All through supper she chattered about a book she and her friends were reading.  He was glad to hear she wasn’t just looking at the computer all day.  He wished she would talk more about Jake, though.  He was a little jealous that she got to be the one to have all the first experiences with Jake.  It didn’t seem fair to him that God let women bear the children instead of men. 

                After they finished eating, she suggested that he get on the computer and research the circumcision issue while she cleared the dishes away.  It was the last thing he wanted to do, but he went and got the laptop and sat back down at the table with it.  He hoped he’d be able to calm her down so she would let it go. 

                “A lot of them just give the background,” she said, coming up behind him and looking at the search results listed on the screen.  “Read this one.”  She leaned forward and pointed, pressing her belly against his back.  Jake kicked him through her skin, and Ben turned and put his hand on the spot the kick had come from, hoping to feel more.

                Sarah paused tolerantly, but apparently Jake was done for the moment.  Ben turned back to the screen and clicked on the heading she indicated. 

It was an alarming website.  She was right about that.  The first story she showed him was the one that said circumcision diminished the sexual experience for both men and women.  They made it sound right, too, and not like a sales pitch. 

The next one was even worse, with quotes from doctors talking about trauma for the baby, including pictures of bloody, screaming babies.  He shuddered and closed the computer.    

“I don’t know,” he said.  “I don’t know if this is right.  I mean, I don’t know who these people are.  Do you?  Are they legit?  Or are they some left-wing group out to liberalize us?”

“I don’t know,” she said, looking skeptical.  Of him?  Or the website?  “They’re not the only ones saying it.  There are lots of sites that say the same thing.”

What if it was true?  Was he missing out because he was circumcised?  He didn’t have much experience – they were virgins when they married.  But even though he had nothing to compare anything to, everything seemed to work okay.  In fact, both in bed and everywhere else, he often marveled at how perfect his life with Sarah was. 

Ben had met Sarah at church camp.  They had quite a bit in common:  homeschooled, the youngest of several siblings, members of small churches.  Her dad was the pastor at her church; his dad had died when he was young, but his pastor had been like a surrogate father to him.  They courted long distance for three years while she finished high school.  He finished his associate’s degree at a junior college the same year.  When they got married, everyone said they were the perfect couple, and Ben was inclined to agree.

                And now it was his responsibility to lead his family.  Sarah was looking at him expectantly, wanting him to say – what?  Did she want him to say the website was wrong?  Or that they didn’t have to circumcise Jake?  He didn’t know what she wanted, or what he ought to say.

 “I just don’t think hospitals would do it if there wasn’t a reason,” he said, trying to sound confident and wise. 

“Oh, come on,” she protested, giving his shoulder a little push.  “You know hospitals and doctors do stuff just so they can collect your money.”

Ordinarily he would agree with her.  His family had a deep distrust of doctors and hospitals since his dad had gone in for a routine surgery and died of a reaction to the combination of medicines he was given.  In this case, though, it undermined his argument, which was turning out to be more fragile than he liked.

“You know what?” he said, frustrated.  “I’m going to call Brother Wright.” 

When she brightened and agreed so quickly he wished he’d thought to mention it sooner.  After all, she trusted the pastor completely.  She wouldn’t question anything if he said it. 

Brother Wright was on Ben’s speed dial; they talked all the time.  Occasionally, Ben wondered if he would have been this close with his own dad if he hadn’t died. 

“Hey, Ben.  Everything okay?” Brother Wright asked.

“Yeah.  I just had a question.”

“Well, I’m in the ICU right now with Sister Ruth.  Can I call you back in a little while?”

Ben felt let down, even though it was unreasonable.  “Sure.”

“Tell you what,” Pastor said.  “If it’s okay, I’ll swing by on my way home and we could talk then.  About forty-five minutes from now?”

“That’d be great!  Thanks.”  Ben hung up his phone and smiled at Sarah, already feeling better.  “He’s going to stop by after he finishes at the hospital.”

“Perfect!” she said.  “Let’s save dessert ‘til he gets here, then.” 

When Brother Wright rang their doorbell, she had coffee and cake ready.  Really she did try to be the “virtuous woman” that the Bible talked about, and he didn’t think she even realized her efforts weren’t up to par.  Fortunately for Brother Wright, the cake that night was just a Bundt cake she’d bought at the grocery store and not one she’d made herself. 

Since their pastor was such a close friend of the family, he’d been over many times and already knew to add lots of milk to his coffee before he drank it, even though he normally drank it black.   Sarah didn’t drink coffee, even before she got pregnant, so it stood to reason she wouldn’t be able to tell when it was made right.  Although it seemed simple enough to Ben that you could just add the same amount of water and coffee each time and make consistently good coffee.  She dumped the water in the back of the machine and then shoveled the coffee into the filter randomly.  This time it was so thick it was almost like syrup.  Dark, bitter syrup.

“So what did you need to talk to me about?” Pastor asked, when they were all settled in the living room with their coffee and milk and cake.

Ben glanced at Sarah to see if she wanted to talk since it was her question in the first place, but she was looking demurely down into her mug of warm milk, waiting for him to speak.  He was disappointed and pleased at the same time that she was deferring to him.    

“We were talking about whether to have the baby circumcised,” he said, hoping that this was enough of an introduction to the subject to get the conversation rolling.  Brother Wright just looked at him, though, and Sarah continued to stare at her milk.

“Sarah was researching it online, and the stuff she found was, well, it was just scary.”  He shook his head.  “But we didn’t know what to believe.”

Brother Wright nodded thoughtfully and took a sip of his coffee, made a face, and then tried to go back to looking thoughtful again.  “I see,” he said. 

“Would you like to see the site?”  Ben started to get up to get the laptop, but the pastor waved him down again. 

“No, that’s okay.  I don’t need to know what they say to know what’s right,” he said.  “Let me ask you this.”  He set his mug on the coffee table and leaned forward to make his point.  “Did the website you saw talk about religious practices and belittle them?”

Ben hadn’t thought the website was belittling religious practices, exactly, but it had mentioned them as a reason that circumcision was done.  He glanced over at Sarah.  Her eyebrows and the corners of her mouth were pulled down in a little frown. 

“I don’t know,” he said.  “I’d have to look at it again.”

“It did say that it was outdated,” she said. 

“There you go.  I thought as much.  Now do you think the Bible is outdated?” Brother Wright asked with a little smirk.

Sarah grinned back, and Ben relaxed and smiled, too.  “Good point,” he said.

“I’ll tell you this,” Brother Wright added.  “God knew about cervical cancer, and urinary tract infections, and all those other diseases.  He didn’t command the Israelites to practice circumcision for no reason.  He was protecting them.”

“But maybe those risks aren’t as great now that we have modern medicine,” Sarah suggested.

Brother Wright smiled kindly at her.  “Do you really think modern medicine knows more than God?”

She shook her head and blushed.

“Circumcision was God’s covenant with His people.  It was and is an important symbol of His love and protection for those of us who follow Him.”

“But if having foreskin is such a health risk, why did God create man with it in the first place?” she blurted out, almost as if she were ashamed of the question.

Ben wondered how she came up with these things.  Did other men’s wives have questions like this?  How did they answer them?  Maybe once Jake was born she wouldn’t have time to sit and think and come up with embarrassing questions.

Brother Wright didn’t look bothered by the question at all, though.  He just continued to smile in a fatherly way.  “The world God created didn’t have health risks in it.  It was created perfectly.”

Sarah’s frown smoothed away as she considered this answer.  “I see,” she said, nodding.  “So it’s just another part of the curse we have to deal with, like pain in labor.”   

Sarah wasn’t one to shy away from pain, herself.  In fact, she had insisted they have a midwife rather than go to a hospital to have the baby because she didn’t want them to urge her to have an epidural.  She felt like the pain of labor was part of the curse of man, and embracing it was a way of getting closer to Jesus Christ. 

When the pastor made his points, it all seemed so obvious.  Ben wished he’d been able to answer her questions on his own.  It was so embarrassing to have to call the pastor to come over and answer his wife’s questions.  Still, she’d hit him with it right after work, when he was tired.  If she’d asked him on a Saturday morning, or maybe a Sunday afternoon, he felt sure he would have been able to say the right things. 

Since Sarah seemed to be done with the issue, Ben felt it was safe to change the subject.  He asked how Sister Ruth was doing, and the conversation became easier. 

Once the pastor left, Ben asked Sarah if she felt better.

“I understand better,” she said.  “But I’m still sad that my baby has to go through that.  It’s not going to be easy.”  Her face puckered up a little, like she was fighting tears, and she took a deep breath.  “But I know raising children for God isn’t easy.”

Ben pulled her into a hug.  He felt Jake kick against him, protesting the pressure against his bubble.  He let go of Sarah to squat down and put his hands and face against her belly. 

“I love you, Jake,” he said.  The books said the baby could hear things, but through the water he was swimming in.  Ben always spoke loudly and distinctly so his son would know his voice. 

It would be hard to let the doctors cut on his baby.  He couldn’t argue that.  Still, he didn’t remember it, and neither would Jake.  And anyway, it probably wouldn’t be any more traumatic than the trip through the birth canal, and no one was arguing about whether or not to go through with that bit of it.

“I’m going to wash these cups and plates,” she said, pulling away.  “Why don’t you go take your shower and then we can do our devotions.”

He nodded. 

In the shower, he studied his penis.  It looked completely normal to him.  Not especially big or small.  Pretty much like every other guys’ that he’d ever seen.  What would it look like if it were uncircumcised?  Would it be longer?  Did it really make a big difference in sex?  He ran his hand up and down it a little, wondering how it would feel different if he were more sensitive.  It felt okay like it was.  In fact, he was tempted to go ahead and masturbate. 

But that wouldn’t be fair to Sarah if she was interested in having sex after devotions. 

Still, she hadn’t been interested much lately because she was getting too uncomfortable to lie on her back. 

He kept stroking himself while he considered whether he should stop or not.  Technically, he wasn’t sure if it was okay to masturbate.  His mom and his older brothers had never mentioned it.  Brother Wright hadn’t either.  There was that bit in the Bible about Onan spilling his seed, but that was to get out of making his brother’s widow pregnant. 

The idea of being forced to sleep with his oldest brother’s wife, Edith, made him wince.  She was a large woman, with overly large features, but with a strangely small head.  She wasn’t especially nice to make up for her homeliness, either, although she could cook. 

He quickly put her out of his mind.  That was one of those Biblical practices that they didn’t have to worry about anymore, thank goodness.  And even if they did, he was married now, so it wouldn’t have affected him anyway.

But why were some customs – like marrying your brother’s widow – not kept, while others, like circumcision, were supposed to prove your love for God?  If it was just a matter of sacrifice, and the larger the sacrifice the better, then taking on Edith would surely beat having his foreskin removed. 

The ideas were troubling, and were keeping him from enjoying the massage he was giving himself.  He took a deep breath and focused, picturing Sarah in front of him, smiling.  Even pregnant, she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.  In fact, he found himself more attracted to her every day.  Maybe he should stop and ask, in case she wanted to.

By now he was hard, though, and he didn’t want to stop, even to have the real thing. He gave up his thoughts of stopping and finished.  He washed off and watched his semen go down the drain with the soap.

It was probably fine, after all, because Sarah was already pregnant, so it couldn’t be seen as a waste of seed.  In fact, it would be at least a few weeks after Jake was born before they could even consider “using” his seed to make another baby.   

Instead of feeling relieved and relaxed, he started worrying again.  What if Brother Wright was wrong, and circumcision was like not eating pork, or marrying your brother’s wife?  What if foreskin was a good thing that he should have? 

How could he pass the custom along to his son if he wasn’t sure?  He remembered the bloody babies, the stories of what could go wrong, and shuddered.  What if the procedure went badly, and then it turned out God really didn’t care if they did it or not?  It wouldn’t be a sacrifice; it would just be a waste.

He washed his hair and climbed out of the shower feeling dirty. 

“Do you want to read tonight?” Sarah called to him from the bedroom.

“You read,” he called back.  She liked doing the reading, anyway.  The book they used was a devotional for the first year of marriage, given to them as a wedding gift from her dad.

He wrapped the towel around his waist and went into the bedroom. 

Sarah had changed into a soft set of maternity pajamas, and was standing in front of the mirror on her dresser brushing her hair.  Beautiful.  He wanted to go up behind her and put his arms around her.  If only all these questions would go away.  He wished she’d asked her mom or her dad.

“How come you didn’t call and ask your dad about circumcision?” he asked.  After all, her dad was a pastor, too.

She shrugged and set down the brush, looking up at him in the mirror.  “It didn’t seem appropriate for me to ask a question about the male body from my dad.  I felt more comfortable asking you.”

And he hadn’t been able to come up with the answer for her.  He hoped she didn’t resent the fact that he’d brought it up to Pastor in front of her.  When he thought she was deferring to him, maybe she was just embarrassed.  But she seemed peaceful now.  For her, the issue was settled.

“What if your dad doesn’t agree with Brother Wright, though?” he asked.  “Maybe I should mention it to him, just in case.”

She turned and looked at him quizzically.  “But you heard what Brother Wright said.  He answered all our questions, and his answers made perfect sense.  Anyway, if God can give up His ‘only begotten Son’ to save the world, we can give up a little piece of ours to show we love God.  Right?”

Ben shivered and pulled his towel tighter around his waist.  God often demanded sacrifices from Christians to prove they loved Him more than anything else.  What if He wanted their son?  Would Ben be able to give him up?

It made him feel sick to think of it.  He couldn’t give up Jake, even for God.  The sudden thought, and the forcefulness of it, terrified him.  God had a way of taking things when people held onto them too tightly. 

For the first time, he wished he  could be part of one of those religions that believed God was all love and smiles and tolerance.  But those people threw out so much of the Bible, they practically made up their own religion.  To him, being a Christian meant believing the Bible was true.  Even the uncomfortable parts.  If it wasn’t, what was the point of any of it?

Now he wished it wasn’t true, though.  What if God did ask him to sacrifice his son, like He did with Abraham?  God was always taking the firstborn son to remind everyone of His own sacrifice with Jesus.  It wasn’t fair.

“What are you thinking about?” Sarah asked. 

“Huh?”  He wasn’t sure what to tell her.

“Standing there in your towel, looking so serious.”  She set her brush down and pulled his shorts and t-shirt out of his drawer.  “Here.” 

He took the clothes she offered, but sat down on the bed in his towel instead of putting them on.  He wondered if all this questioning was normal for all Christians who were new parents.   He wanted to ask Sarah if she was feeling the same way, but he didn’t want her to think he was questioning God.  He didn’t want her to doubt his ability to lead the family. 

“If God asked you to, would you kill Jake in order to keep Hitler from going to Hell?” he asked. 

“What a horrible thing to say!” she said, sitting down on the bed next to him and putting her arms around her belly as if she hoped to shelter Jake’s ears from his words.  Or protect him from his crazy father.

“But isn’t that what He did to Jesus?” Ben persisted.  “And that was His only son.”

“Jesus didn’t die for Hitler!  Hitler went to Hell.  God sacrificed Jesus for us because He loves us.  And that’s why we love Him.”  She smiled smugly, obviously pleased with her answer.

“But Jesus did die for Hitler.  I mean, doesn’t the Bible say He died for all men?  Not just us?” 

Her satisfied smile slipped, and she looked confused.  “Right.  But not everybody was saved.”

“The Bible says he still would have had to die, even if there was only one person with one sin,” he said. 

Sarah obviously wasn’t experiencing any of these types of questions.  He wished he had dropped it.

She got up and shook her head.  “You’ve got things all mixed up,” she said, going over to her nightstand and picking up the devotional book.  “Put on your clothes and let’s do our reading.  You can talk to Brother Wright tomorrow.”

“I think I’m going to ask your dad what he thinks about circumcision,” he said.  “I don’t think I’m as comfortable with Brother Wright’s answer, the more I think about it.”

“If my dad says the same thing as Brother Wright, will you accept that?” she asked.

He nodded slowly.  “Probably.  If he says the same thing.  I just worry that circumcision is one of those things like stoning teenagers or marrying concubines to have more male children.  I mean, stuff God wanted the Hebrews to do but that isn’t necessary anymore.”

“Okay, then.”  She smiled.  “Put on your clothes so we can read.”

He picked up his shorts.  “If he doesn’t think it’s such a big deal, though, I think we should reconsider.”

“I don’t think he’ll say anything different,” Sarah said.  “Come on.  Get dressed.”

She acted almost desperate to get him to stop talking about it, now.  But she’d been the one to bring it up in the first place. 

It wasn’t fair of him to bring his questions to her, though.  She was supposed to ask questions of him, and he was supposed to take his questions to the pastor, or to God.  He sighed and put his clothes on.  He’d never realized how difficult it would be to be the head of the home. 

“I’m sorry,” he said.  “Those pictures on that website really freaked me out, I guess.  They got me thinking weird thoughts.  I’m okay, though.  I’ll spend some time praying about it.”

“Good,” she said, opening the devotional book.  She read the day’s page, and the Bible verses that went with it. 

It didn’t seem relevant to Ben at all, and he wished that it could have somehow contained a secret message to him from God that would make all these questions in his head go away.

When they prayed, Sarah asked God to lead him in the way that was right, and to give her the grace to accept her husband’s direction.  It was sweet, and made him want to cry.

He simply asked for guidance, feeling the weight of his sudden doubt like a physical burden on his shoulders. 

“You know, I think you’re right,” Sarah said, as they got into bed.  “I think you should go ahead and call my dad.  I mean, it can’t hurt to check.  And it would be a shame to find out later that we’d caused our son pain for no reason.”

He nodded.  After all, he didn’t exactly agree with Sarah about embracing pain and suffering for Jesus Christ.  There was plenty of it in the world without going out to look for extra.